Well, what a fucking idiot I am...

When I started this blog, I decided in my infinite wisdom to tell Mistress R what I was doing. My motto is that there should never be secrets between us and almost straight away I was proved correct because rather unexpectedly one of my first major commenters was a lady called Miss Christina, and never mind that she's on the other side of the world, never mind that she made no undue 'advances' to me whatsoever, I did not want Mistress R to feel that I was discussing our sex life behind her back and definitely not with another woman!
At first I got the distinct impression that Mistress R was none to impressed anyway, but she soon came to see that it was all above-board and no threat to her or us, indeed she now occasionally asks after Miss Christina and her slut Sam.
Anyway, what happened over the last four months is that everyday I would print out my blog posts and give them to her in the evening. She rarely commented on them, except when I was gushing about something wonderful she had done, but she gave me the impression that these posts were useful so I continued, even though sometimes I dreaded her reading them because I had posted something which I felt was slightly critical, but even then mostly it seemed okay.
But since the weekend something has changed. We had a shit weekend, a family obligation on Saturday put Mistress R in a bad mood which continued through Sunday (fueled by PMS and the wretched heat we've been having here in the UK), there was a momentary respite on Monday when I was able to make her cum, but even so my posts on Monday and Tuesday were perceived to be more critical than ever and I must admit that I was thoroughly fed up on those days and this obviously showed up in my posting.
Last night I gave Mistress R my post which went some way to undoing the damage done, but it was not enough and we had... well it wasn't a row, but it was certainly a heated discussion, with Mistress R voicing her intense frustration at the whole thing. She felt that she couldn't do anything right, that she felt like she had started a new job and was being told different ways to do things every day, by several different people.
In short she was up to here with the whole thing and was utterly confused about what I want, and indeed not even sure if I knew what I want.
As this barrage poured out of her I was pretty shellshocked. I could hardly speak for a while and as I sat there I remembered the post on AtAllTimes blog yesterday, the one where he received some pretty blunt advice from a reader. When I read it I thought, this guy has hit the nail on the head, although whether AAT will take his advice on board I'm not sure... and yet, suddenly it was pretty obvious to me that I had made the same mistake as AAT.
What a fucking idiot.
To her eternal credit Mistress R didn't tell me to forget the chastity thing, and I wouldn't have blamed her if she had. We cried (well I did), and held each other and I tried to explain myself, with some degree of success (I hope).
I said to her that, the whole point of this was to make her feel special and happy and that was what I wanted more than anything. We discussed this further and decided to continue as we were. She again suggested the idea of taking a break from this, which I didn't want to do but said that if that's what she wanted then I would be okay with it.
She explained that the fact that I had broken the rules and touched my cock had made her feel like shit, not because it was disobedient or any of that bollocks, but because she felt that she had neglected me to the point where I felt I needed to do that. She suggested that we scrap the rule about not being allowed to touch my cock and I did think about it, but as I said to her, the problem is that if I am allowed to do it as much as I want I know it won't be as special when she touches me, and I don't want that. But I explained that maybe I had underestimated the amount of teasing I needed to be kept satisfied... whether that will lead to an increase in teasing I don't really know, I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Right now I don't really care.
The most important thing is that Mistress R are back where we should be, close and happy with each other. We are an exceptionally close couple, ridiculously close some would say, and when things are not right between us we are both miserable. Fortunately this doesn't happen too often, but when it does half the problem is that I am shit at talking about it, and Mistress R has to batter me verbally until I crack and spill my guts.
Almost always this quickly results in resolution and this was how it was last night, just a half hour of talking and we are right as rain again, fortunately. The upshot of all this is that I am no longer going to print out my blogs for Mistress R to read, unless there is something specific that I want her to read, and that is not going to make her feel like shit!
And what this has really made me realise is that, in the beginning I wanted her to take control, to do what she wanted, when she wanted, and what her reading my blog was really doing was providing too much 'guidance' or perhaps more accurately 'interference' with that. So what I want to get back to is that basic idea of her being the one making the decisions regarding our sex life, and I acknowledge that isn't always going to be what I 'want', but that is the price I am willing to pay, because I believe what Mistress R needs is the space to find her own way, to sort things out for herself without me 'helping' her everyday with my blog posts.
Mistress R doesn't want me to stop blogging, because she knows how helpful it is to me and overall she likes the blog, she just doesn't need to read every single one of my thoughts every day, and of course I can see that now (too late).
So there you are. Crisis averted, and hopefully this has put us back on course for what we/I really wanted in the first place. If that means I only get penetration once a month, if that means she makes me wait too long or not long enough to cum, well so be it. I want her to be in control, and as such it's unreasonable for me to feel aggrieved if her decisions aren't the ones I want her to make.
Writing this post has been exhausting, thanks for reading.